Be'er Sheeva

I am currently in Be'er Sheeva, a city known to most Israeli's as their sordid shit hole in the South, not far from the Dead Sea. It's quite chilly now, and I'm sitting in a room in a house that belongs to the parent's of my good friend Nadan. Nadan in Hebrew means "sheath" or "prostitutes pay" and is not a common name by any means.

Nadan and I met up last night in Tel Aviv, and then met with his friend Sarah who was on the birthright trip that he chaperoned for ten days last week. We went to a club in the South of Tel Aviv called Cafe Barzilay, where the promoters apparently felt that there was not enough second hand smoke generated by the all the cigarettes, and so operated a powerful smoke machine that, while creating a mysterious smoky vibe, also created small tumors in my lungs. I felt as though I was on the inside of an actual cigarette butt, and I now have a smokers cough even though I haven't smoked a cigarette in years. Cough, cough.

The music in the club was awful, and the fact that the club demographic was 80% 17 year old boys did not help improve our general experience. Someone recommended the club to us, and we were pretty much stuck there for the night. We made the most of it, and at four AM, put Sarah in a cab headed for the airport, where she boarded a plane early this morning for the USA via Istanbul. Nadan was sorry to see her go.

So now we are in BS, and I'm relaxing, thinking about trying to sell some Israeli stuff on Ebay. Here is what I think I can buy here cheap and sell to Jewish Americans and Europeans for a profit: handcrafted backgammon boards, menorahs, Seder plates, dembouk drums, hookahs, IDF hats, dead sea salts, and so much more. I know I can do this because plenty of Israeli's are already doing this, so I wanna piece of the action. Plus I need something to do with the money I have sitting in a bank somewhere.

Also tomorrow I will go check out the Ben Gurion University's Business School. Because I studied economics in college and I "worked" for the last few years as a manager, my parents seem to think that an MBA is the way for me to go. In Israel I can also get an MBA for free as an Oleh Ha dash. I, have absolutely zero interest in getting an MBA, but for their sake I will go check out the program. I am also half-heartedly studying for the GMAT exam.

In general things are better in Israel now after the horror that befell me two weeks ago, that is, being deathly ill and getting fired from a lame job. Another friend of mine just hooked me up with a two day per week bartending gig at a four story club in Haifa, and I'm not sick anymore, and also the country is gearing up for some seriously sunny weather. Everything is good in the hood.

Menorah.

No Pancakes This Morning

In Israel you can find almost anything that exists in the United States - dvd players, hamburgers, strip clubs and even Snickers - but one thing that I can't find are Pancakes. And I certainly feel like some pancakes, with hashbrowns, and a couple of eggs this morning. Eggs I can get, but only if I waddle over to my other grandmas house and have her filipino maid prepare them for me, a I've become so lazy as to be completely unable to even supply myself with basic staples, like water and sugar.

So I'm drinking my coffee and reminiscing about how I am again, unemployed, in a country with a 9% unemployment rate its not that unusual. I was employed for one week, and then I was fired with some lame excuse about how the Bar Manager I was replacing decided to stay on after all. In reality I just sucked, because I contracted some horrible flu/cold the first day I started working and my performance was lower than seabed of the dead sea, which is the lowest point on earth, and which is only a few hours car ride away from where I am now.

They say that in Israel people are unusually direct, they speak their minds, they're not worried that they will be offensive. In America on the other hand, people are constantly preoccupied with formalities, worrying whether something they say will offend the wrong person and invite a lawsuit, and possibly jailtime. In the case of firing someone, however, these traditional roles are switched, as I know very well from experience.

When I was fired in America, I was invited directly by the boss into his office and told "It's not going to work out" or "We just can't have you, you are a liability" or "You fucking suck major asshole". In Israel on the other hand, I was not even informed that I was fired, but basically I had to deduce this from the fact that my name did not appear on next week's schedule. When I called the boss to question him on his oversight, he didn't answer the phone. Then an hour later he text messaged me to call another boss. The next morning I called and again did not receive an answer. Later in the day, I finally managed to get that person on the phone, and they told me I should come see them in their office the following day. Finally in their office they informed me that they would be letting me go but not because of my performance, but because the previous manager had decided to stay on after all. When questioned about whether the big big boss was privy to this decision, they told me that he was not, therefore shielding him from any responsibility, even though he obviously made the decision. What bull crap!

Next Morning

Hey so I woke up not too long ago, around 8:30AM, which is rather early for me, especially since I only went to bed at 2AM. It's hard to sleep when A) the throat is sore, the nose is clogged, and the head hurts and B) you're pretty sure you just got fired but you don't really know yet for sure and there is still a little bit of hope but you're already thinking you did and you have to start planning for the next stage.

So I got up and immediately went to my computer to check any email messages and also my phone for text messages, but nothing. No changes to the schedule for next week either. So here I am drinking my second cup of tea n' honey, and I'm about to go visit my grandma who lives down the block and who I've been neglecting for the last week because of that job that I was so devoted to but is apparently leaving me quicker than you can say "eat monkey".

Funun. I need some Kleenexnex now please.

I Think I Just Got Fired!!!

So I think I just got fired. And I have a sore throat. Oh, and I happen to be in Israel and my name is Danka, or something close to that. It'a actually a combination of my name and the name of a coworker who still works at the place from which I think I just got fired. Does the fact that your name is missing from next week's schedule mean that you're no longer wanted at the particular establishment, or might it just be a typo? A very big typo...repeated seven times for every day of the week?
Yea, I seem to have a think with getting fired. Not to sound cliche, but I'm very good at it. I've had jobs where I would like to get fired, and I have to to everything in my power to get the bosses to dismiss me, like pouring hot oil all over their faces. Other times, when I think I got a great gig and I'm the luckiest person all of a sudden, I get fired in the first week, and it's always for some lame reason, like my friend puked in the owner's other bar, or I was too good for the place.
Ok, my throat hurts like hell becuase I just spent a week working at a new bar/restaurant where I contracted a deadly cold/virus and then instead of resting like I should have, worked five days continuously under the spell of repressive medications that stifle your symptoms and therefore got much sicker. I was doing this why? Because I was trying to give a good impression, i.e. that I come to work even when I'm sick. Of course, the impression I gave was that I am a sickly worker.
I don't actually know that I'm fired yet, but the fact that my name does not appear on next week's schedule is definitely suspicious. And of course I tried to call those in charge and no one picked up the phone, as if no one has the balls to tell me directly that I am no longer wanted, that I should just as quickly forget about this job as I so quickly dismissed the others I was so kindly offered last week while grinding away at this one, trying to look good.
Anyways I'm in Israel, and if you continue reading this blog you will find out the reasons why I am here, and also, why I shaved me head and other fun details. Funun.
That's right, Funun. In Hebrew this means cool, but it's not actually an Israeli word, it's a combination of the word Fun twice. Yes this is how Hebrew came into being, every word is actually one and half times that word in English. Hot dog in Hebrew is hotdogdog and kleenex is kleenexnex. Speaking of which, I need a Kleenexnex.
Ok so I got the idea to write a blog from my parents who both continously tell me, as I'm sure all parents tell their kids, that my stories are so fascinating that I should write them down. So here I am, writing this stuff down, and as I'm writing I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would take time to read this. But if you are then I am grateful, and rest assured that things will only get better and better.